I agree.
The first time I lost trust in someone, it felt like a heart break. The kind of heartbreak that doesn't even feel possible. Because it's not like the heartbreak of your first love, or the loss of someone important to you. It's a combination of these two, the grief, hurt, sorrow, anger, and agony swirl into one piercing cocktail that is impossible to swallow, leaving a lump in your throat and a burning sensation in your chest. I didn't think I'd survive– I sat in a dark room flooded with my tears, the cuts on my arm tinting the salty water crimson red. The instinct to save myself had escaped; I longed to let the liquid pool above me, begging it to pour down my lungs, suffocating me until I was numb. But before I could drown, the water began to drain. The darkness in the room began to lift until I could see barren walls surrounding me. Time entered my room and embraced me, lifted me back onto my feet, summoned a cool breeze of forgiveness, and began to put the pieces of my heart back together. The glue hadn't even dried yet before another wave hit. This continued for years, for so many years that Time stopped trying to put the pieces back together into the shape of a heart and instead started to make a mosaic, putting pieces where they didn't belong, but where they still made some sort of sense. I accepted that those pieces would never fit together anymore– they had shattered too many times. Finally, after having my trust broken for so long, I could stand back and look at the beautiful masterpiece that Time and I had created– the only way I could accept the pain and find beauty and peace in it. Then one night while I was sleeping, someone destroyed my art. I had assumed until that moment that no one could get past me, past the walls that I had created where all of my art hung. How did I not detect the deception? I had let them admire my art for so long. They watched the pieces break over and over, cried for me, and even helped me hang up each new product. They saw how hard Time and I had worked to create a new mosaic every time. They snuck in when I least expected, tearing down all my hard work. It was so unexpected that I struggled to catch my breathe when I saw all my art scattered on the floor. Pieces had been destroyed until they were as fine as grains of sand. I was so confused, I couldn't even comprehend the mess before my eyes. Once the shock subsided, I felt the presence of others; I wasn't alone. I had made a home here in solitude, rarely letting people in, but as I finally looked around I saw that my walls had turned to glass, and through them I saw individual rooms with people looking at their own walls. Their art had been destroyed too. We looked at the chaos in front of us with disgust and loathing, but as our eyes left the ruins and we looked up at one another, there was only heartbreak. The kind of heartbreak that doesn't even feel possible.
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In answer to to the title of this blog post– I have no clue. This blog isn't going to be directed toward any topic or trying to make a statement about anything, this is solely a place for thoughts, feelings, wonderings, expressions, questions, etc.
To be honest– I think blogs are stupid. I find them helpful for things like recipes, some general advice, maybe ways to be more sustainable... but I'm not an avid "blog follower", there aren't any "bloggers" that I have an attachment to, so I'm not really sure what I'm doing with this page in the first place. The ONE consistency this page will have is that every post is produced from whatever is happening in my mind. I often find that I have a lot happening in there yet I neglect to get it all out. Quite frankly– it's overwhelming, and I'm prettttyyyy sure other people have similar experiences. I want to ask questions here, I want people to answer, I want people to vent. If you seek a response, I'll give you one! If you don't, your thoughts can exit through you and into the void of the internet. Regardless– they'll have a place, you'll have a place here. If you've actually gotten through that first chunk, congrats! As a reward here is a list of stuff I'll probably talk about: - sex ;) - body image - race - sexuality - gender - how little I understand politics - music - sadness - mental health - women's health - double standards across the fucking board - trauma - family shit - confusion - questions about the world - advice (who knows what about) *this will NOT be a breeding place for HATE, OPPRESSION, OR DISCRIMINATION of any form. Simply put– I'm looking to have CIVIL debates at the very most, I will not accept anger, hurt, or misunderstanding that is being projected onto me; let's talk it out but don't take it out. |
Alexandria HunterThe limit of my thoughts is my imagination, read to find out what I'm wondering, comment and tell me what you think. ArchivesCategories |